College Football Playoff Likability Index: Ranking the Final Four Teams

The College Football Playoff Final Four is some lineup—a quartet of programs with massive tradition, huge fan bases and no shortage of arrogance. They are all lightning rods, with millions of admirers and detractors.

So it’s time to figure out: Are the Texas Longhorns, Notre Dame Fighting Irish, Ohio State Buckeyes or Penn State Nittany Lions the most likable remaining football program? And which is the least likable?

To answer those questions, I devised a highly scientific, rigorously tested, 40-point Likability Index. Then I let the points fall where they may. The final tally is at the bottom. Two teams finished with positive numbers, two with negative.

Feel free to disagree, but not to get outraged. This is a light-and-breezy survey, specifically designed not to be weighted down by some of the darker chapters in the history of the programs. (“Fun” and “Sandusky” don’t really go together, so let’s not.)

On to the Index:

1. If you have a live animal mascot capable of trampling people, add 20 points.

Texas, +20

2. If your mascot is a leprechaun, add 5 points for cheekiness.

Notre Dame, +5

3. If your mascot is a person wearing nut headgear, add 2 points for comic eccentricity.

Ohio State, +2

4. If your mascot is a person dressed as a generic feline predator, deduct 5 points.

Penn State, -5

5. If your fan allegiance is predicated in part by state boundaries drawn up sometime in the 1700s or 1800s, deduct 5 points.

Penn State, -5
Ohio State, -5
Texas, -5

6. If your fan allegiance is predicated in part by family legacy of religion or national origin, add 5 points for keeping it real.

Notre Dame, +5

7. If your head coach has been accused of thin skin, questionable fashion taste or dyeing his beard, deduct 5 points.

Penn State, -5
Texas, -5
Ohio State, -5

8. If the most annoying thing your head coach has ever done is losing to a MAC team, add 5 points.

Notre Dame, +5

9. If your campus is in a remote location and you obscenely jack up hotel rates for home games, deduct 10 points.

Penn State, -10
Notre Dame, -10

10. If you ever employed Urban Meyer, deduct 5 points.

Notre Dame, -5
Ohio State, -5

11. If you have a history of bullying your conference brethren and/or the league office to get what you want, deduct 10 points.

Texas, -10
Ohio State, -10

12. If you have no conference brethren due to massive clout, add 10 points.

Notre Dame, +10

13. If you’re pompous about having no conference brethren, deduct 5 points.

Notre Dame, -5

14. If you have a friends with benefits arrangement with a conference but none of the football commitment, add 5 points for Playa Status.

Notre Dame, +5

15. If you still play your home games on God’s own grass, add 10 points.

Penn State, +10

16. If you’ve occasionally junked up your iconic uniforms, deduct 10 points.

Notre Dame, -10
Ohio State, -10

17. If you’ve turned your plain uniforms into a weird value statement, deduct 5 points.

Penn State, -5

18. If your most famous coach’s career ended in disgrace, deduct 10 points.

Penn State, -10
Ohio State, -10

19. If your football program inspired a sappy movie, add 10 points:

Rudy—Notre Dame, +10
Something for Joey—Penn State, +10
My All-American—Texas, +10

20. If your program has ever won one for the Gipper, add 10 points.

Notre Dame, +10

21. If your football program put four players on horseback for the most famous publicity stunt of all-time, add 10 points.

Notre Dame, +10

22. If your school’s publicity department once changed the name of your star quarterback to rhyme with “Heisman,” and he still didn’t win, deduct 5 points for wasted energy.

Notre Dame, -5

23. If your football program has a celebrity hanger-on with a made-up administrative title who struts around for the sideline cameras, deduct 5 points.

Texas, -5

24. If your football program counts LeBron James among its fans, add 10 points.

Ohio State, +10

25. If your football program has Jesus on its side, and on the side of a building, add 15 points.

Notre Dame, +15

26. If your boutique TV network arrangement annoyed the hell out of everyone, deduct 10 points.

Notre Dame, -10
Texas, -10

27. If your most recent national championship predates the internet, but you’ve still propped yourself up as a national contender ever since then, deduct 10 points.

Notre Dame, -10
Penn State, -10

28. If you have the best all-around athletic department in the country, add 10 points for overall excellence.

Texas, +10

29. If you have the best wrestling or women’s ice hockey program in the country, add 5 points for toughness.

Penn State, +5
Ohio State, +5

30. If you have the best fencing program in the country, deduct 2 points for pretentiousness.

Notre Dame, -2

31. If your school triggered the most recent round of major realignment, add 10 points for clout.

Texas, +10

32. If your school triggered the most recent round of major realignment, deduct 10 points for ruination.

Texas, -10

33. If your football program has a Manning on the roster, add 10 points.

Texas, +10

34. If your fans are offended by opponents mocking their hand signal, deduct 10 points for lack of sense of humor.

Texas, -10

35. If Lennay Kekua ever dated one of your star players, deduct 10 points for gullibility.

Notre Dame, -10

36. If your team ever engaged in a massive brawl after losing as a three-touchdown favorite, deduct 10 points for misplaced aggression.

Ohio State, -10

37. If your school ever lost a national championship against Alabama, deduct 5 points for failing to stop the Crimson Tide takeover of the sport.

Penn State, -5
Notre Dame, -5
Texas, -5
Ohio State, -5

38. If your school ever beat Alabama on the way to winning a national championship, add 5 points for trying to stop the Crimson Tide takeover of the sport.